


Birthday at Femboy Hooters

by OkaySky



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003), Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Automail, Birthday, Birthday Sex, Blow Jobs, Crack, Dubiously Consensual Blow Jobs, Femboy hooters, M/M, PWP without Porn, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Porn With Plot, do not open this expecting anything serious okay, technically not blow job since all dicks are fully clothed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:21:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26370304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OkaySky/pseuds/OkaySky
Summary: Roy's 30th birthday is the worst thing in the world. The absolute worst. And Jean and Maes won't stop trying to get him to celebrate it, no matter how much he kicks and screams. To get them off his back, he agrees to go to dinner with them at the local Hooters. Their server has unusual ideas about how their establishment celebrates the birthday of a customer.Thank you to the Femboy Hooters meme for inspiring this monstrosity. I apologize for nothing.
Relationships: Edward Elric/Roy Mustang, Jean Havoc & Roy Mustang, Maes Hughes & Roy Mustang
Comments: 15
Kudos: 103
Collections: *Wink Wink*





	Birthday at Femboy Hooters

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KuroosSexyEyes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KuroosSexyEyes/gifts).



> I woke up to a text from my boyfriend basically begging for a Femboy Hooters Royed AU, and I live to serve. Most of this fic is a fever dream that I don't remember writing.
> 
> Now with art: https://www.deviantart.com/okay-sky/art/Femboy-Hooters-Eddy-855201426?ga_submit_new=10%3A1600141228

Roy stared dejectedly at the calendar app on his phone and the upcoming “holiday” marked just one day away. Maybe if he stared at it long enough, it would go away. If he deleted the appointment from the app, it wouldn’t happen in real life. If only it worked that way; his damned 30th birthday would come whether he willed it or not. In just a few hours he would practically have one foot in the grave. Sure, he still  _ looked _ 25, but he would know he was 30 inside; he wasn’t ready for that milestone to slap him across the face yet. He wished that his phone would spontaneously combust; wouldn’t that be super convenient right about now?

For several weeks now Jean and Maes had been needling him about how they were going to celebrate. Suggestions like “a party at the office” and “taking the whole gang out to dinner,” offered at Roy’s desk while at work, had been shot down point blank by Riza, who thankfully knew Roy well enough to know that he wanted none of the fanfare and attention that a birthday party for him would necessitate. Riza wasn’t always there to help, though, and the two men continued to harass him over text when he was trying to wind down at home. The tastefully furnished home that he was currently sulking in and wishing he could continue to sulk in, in  _ private _ , tomorrow evening. But alas, his two asshole friends kept lighting up his phone and true solitude was impossible. 

Wreaking Havoc 🚬: cmon chief its just one night

Maeby Baby: is it just the big group thats bothering you? we dont have to bring the whole team out if you dont want to

Wreaking Havoc 🚬: it can just be the 3 of us if you want. or 4 of us if you want to brig riza

Royboy: id rather we not do anything in particular for it

Royboy: riza and i will celebrate just the two of us this weekend probably

Wreaking Havoc 🚬: ooh just the two of you huh? 😏

Royboy: fuck off jean

Wreaking Havoc 🚬: ouch someones touchy

It wasn’t like Roy didn’t like Riza; he did, he even loved her. They had been close friends for too long for them not to love each other. But it was the same kind of love that Roy had for the girls at Chris’s bar, who were practically his sisters. Riza was very pretty too, with her long, silky, blonde hair… But neither of them were really interested, in that way. They had made a pact long ago, that if they hit 40 and they were both single, they would have a marriage of convenience, and neither was particularly enthusiastic for that to come but were resigned to it. The rest of the work team didn’t know about that pact, but would all no doubt explode into violent ‘ _ I TOLD YOU SO _ ’s if the two remained single long enough to fulfill it. The not-so-secret betting pool was convinced that they were already involved but were keeping it private, but was split on the reason behind the secrecy. Riza being a staunch lesbian was not currently an outcome being considered.

Maeby Baby: we cant just not celebrate your bday roy. lets go out just the 3 of us tomorrow night. we can just have a regular dinner and see if they do any kind of free dessert

Royboy: free dessert means singing

Royboy: i hate it when they sing

Royboy: its just so awkward 

Wreaking Havoc 🚬: we can ask that they not sing

Wreaking Havoc 🚬: unless we go to like hooters or something

Wreaking Havoc 🚬: a bunch of hot babes singing to you and giving you a ton of attention… nice

Roy frowned at his screen. Jean, woman-obsessed as he was, was an unfathomable being. Like yeah some women were nice to look at, and they were soft and nice to touch, and sex was pretty alright, but Roy didn’t really understand the appeal of being surrounded by scantily-clad busty women in a public setting where it was awkward enough just to acknowledge they existed, much less to bask in their scantily-clad-ness. And besides, he had it on good authority from his sort-of-sisters that the employees of Hooters would absolutely make a big deal out of a birthday. But they also would draw the attention of Jean, and the food would keep Maes’s mouth shut… It wasn’t—, the worst idea they could have come up with. Not the best, but not the worst either. And Roy was starting to imagine now how they would up the ante tomorrow on his  _ actual _ birthday if they didn’t get a bday plan confirmation now. Roy sighed heavily in resignation.

Royboy: if it will get you two morons off my back then lets go to the damned hooters

Wreaking Havoc 🚬: YES THANK YOU CHIEF

Maeby Baby: maybe youll meet a hot waitress and finally start seeing someone too

Maeby Baby: youve been single for too long roy, it hurts my heart :(

Royboy: hughes please

Maeby Baby: youre going to be 30 roy :( and single :( dont you want a nice wife? to be married?

Royboy: hughes 

Wreaking Havoc 🚬: if anyone can get the number of a hooters waitress it would be the chief

Wreaking Havoc 🚬: i dont understand how a playboy like you is still single anyways

Royboy: what i dont understand is why i put up with either of you

***

At the tail end of the following workday, Jean and Maes appeared together at Roy’s desk and boxed him in so he couldn’t sneak out of the building.

“Remember our plans for today?” Jean said around a wolfish smile. “We didn’t want you to forget!”

“We can carpool if you’d like,” Maes offered, face perfectly innocent as he cut off Roy’s only avenue of possible escape. “I don’t mind being the designated driver.”

Twenty-ish minutes later found them pushing through the exterior doors of the Hooters, Maes’s hand clenched tightly around Roy’s bicep as he chaperoned the birthday boy to the podium where the cheerful hostess waited. 

“Hi y’all, welcome to Hooters!” she greeted them. “How many in your party tonight?”

“Just the three of us,” Maes responded politely.

“Would you be able to seat us with a blonde waitress?” Havoc cut in. “Birthday boy here has a thing for blondes.”

“Jean!” Roy hissed indignantly.

“We absolutely can,” the hostess assured Havoc. “Winry is just starting her shift and her section is wide open at the moment; she’ll take great care of you.” 

“Hear that, chief?” Havoc whispered conspiratorially as they were escorted to their booth, elbowing Roy in the ribs. “She’ll take  _ real good care _ of you.” Roy rolled his eyes good-naturedly, but internally his guts were churning. Was it too late to turn around and flee into the parking lot? He wasn’t sure his blood pressure could handle this.

“Here you are,” the hostess said, setting out three menus on the table. “Winry will be right out with you.” Jean and Maes slid into one side of the booth against the wall, leaving Roy to seat himself on the opposite side with his back to the rest of the restaurant. The back of his neck prickled nervously at his exposed position and he fought the urge to turn around and scan the room behind him. To distract his hands from where they were nervously grasping at his slacks, Roy picked up a menu and thumbed back to the drink menu to pick something out.

“Hey guys, welcome to Hooters,” a slightly raspy, low voice said from directly to Roy’s right. He jumped at the sudden voice; he hadn’t noticed anyone had snuck up on them. He snapped his head to the side to meet the wide gold eyes of their waitress. Waiter? Roy’s brow crinkled in momentary confusion; square jaw, broad shoulders, taut pectoral muscles… Was his mouth watering? Roy’s mouth snapped shut and he hurriedly brought his eyes back up to meet the very amused golden gaze of their waiter. Oh, he had  _ definitely _ seen Roy checking him out, if the way his eyes similarly swept down Roy’s form meant anything.

“Hope I’m not disappointing anyone this evening,” the waiter chuckled, cocking one hip and pointing at the nametag pinned to his chest that read  _ Winry _ . “Winry has a stomach bug and asked me to fill in for her last-minute. I don’t, uh,  _ tech _ nically work here, but I’ve filled in for her a ton of times so I promise I’ll take  _ good  _ care of you guys.” The last bit was said directly to Roy, and he licked his lips before continuing, “You can call me Ed.

“Now, what can I get you started with to drink? Water, lemonade, tea, Coke products, something from the bar?” Ed flipped his — long, silky, blond — ponytail over his shoulder and pulled a notepad and pen from a holster on his thigh. Roy’s eyes were trained on the thin strip of skin that separated the holster from the incredibly short orange shorts, then trailing up to admire the trim waist peeking out from underneath the tight white tank top with the Hooters logo emblazoned across the breast. Jean and Maes provided their drink orders promptly, and then Ed turned his golden eyes back to Roy. A smirk quirked up the corner of his mouth and he brought the end of the pen to his lips, asking around it, “And what can I get for you, handsome?” Roy floundered helplessly for a moment, suddenly forgetting every liquid that had ever existed as he stared at the way Ed’s tongue flickered out of his mouth to taste the cap on the end of his pen.

“He’ll have whatever you’d recommend for a birthday night to remember,” Maes cut in helpfully when he noticed that Roy was A Bit Busy at the moment. Ed’s eyebrows raised at that and then his grin sharpened and he edged sideways, propping his hip on the edge of the table and using the leverage to lean a little towards Roy.

“What would you like me to get for you, birthday boy?” he asked sweetly. “Anything you want.” Roy swallowed.  _ I want you _ , he thought, and what came out of his mouth was, “I’ll have a Long Island Iced Tea, please.”

“I think I can handle that,” Ed purred, jotting it down on his little notepad. “Do you want any appetizers to start with? Otherwise, I’ll get your food orders when I come back with your drinks.”

“Some chips and queso would be great,” Havoc chimed in. Ed nodded, adding that to his list.

“Alright, hang tight for me... and I’ll be right back,” Ed said as he turned to leave, fingertips trailing across Roy’s shoulder as he stepped away. Roy shivered.

“So,” Jean drawled, catching Roy’s attention. “Blonds, huh. That’s your poison?”

“So it would seem,” Roy muttered, avoiding eye contact with the two men who were furiously trying to catch it.

“If I’d known men were an option too, I think I would have had much better luck trying to set you up with someone,” Maes remarked in that tone that was polite but just this side of ‘if SOMEONE had just been a little more cooperative’ that he liked to use when Roy was being intentionally difficult.

“We’re not going to make a big deal out of this,” Roy decided for them. “Besides, it’s not polite to hit on the waitstaff. They have to act nice even if they’re uncomfortable.”

“Roy. Roy, look where we are. We’re at  _ Hooters _ . Where the waitresses get hit on and slobbered on by every horny guy in town. If they’re uncomfortable with it, I don’t think they’d be working here.”

“He said he doesn’t technically work here, though,” Roy groaned, face dropping into his hands. “He’s just filling in for a friend.”

“That makes the way he was giving you, hm, special attention even more interesting, wouldn’t you say?” Maes said. Roy’s face rose from the grave of his palms to fix Maes with an incredulous glare. “What? Jean and I aren’t blind, Roy. We saw the way he was checking you out.”

“I stand by what I said earlier,” Jean sighed good-naturedly. “If anyone can get the phone number of even a Hooters waitre— uh, wait-person, it would be Roy.”

“I thought I said we weren’t going to make a big deal out of this,” Roy sing-songed through his teeth, lips pulled back in a grin that was just a touch feral. 

“We aren’t,” Jean defended himself quickly. “We would be ribbing you just as much if it really was Winny or whatever her name is instead of this dude.”

“Ed,” Roy corrected immediately.

“Ed,” Jean agreed.

“Alright, here you go,” the man himself said; speak of the devil. Ed was balancing a tray in his left palm, deliciously tanned bicep flexed fully to support the weight — oh, hell — and carefully set the drinks down in front of Maes and Jean first with his right— Hmm. His right hand, and the rest of his arm now that Roy looked at it, was metal. Automail then. Somehow he hadn’t noticed it in his initial staring, so distracted by the swing of his golden ponytail and the delicious swell of his thighs under those horrid fluorescent orange shorts. That right hand was moving towards him with a glass that was suspiciously empty — there was only a few shot’s worth of liquid in it, what? — and extending further than it should have gone just to be handed to a customer. Roy watched in shock as Ed carried the glass past the table and deliberately tilted it so a healthy splash doused the front of his trousers.

“Whoops!” Ed exclaimed, a mischievous grin pulling his lips back from teeth that looked in that moment like fangs. “Darned thing, must have some faulty wiring,” he teased, pointing at his automail hand that was moving with impressive dexterity as he wiggled the now-nearly-empty glass in front of him. He set the glass down on the table at an appropriate distance from the table’s edge and snatched Roy’s hand from where it was now hovering in the air in surprise. “C’mon, I’ll take you to the back and help you… clean up,” he said as he pulled Roy to his feet and out of the booth. Roy glanced sharply over his shoulder as he was dragged away, making confused eye contact with Jean and Maes who merely gave him a thumbs up and a waved goodbye, respectively.

“Uh, it’s really okay,” Roy objected weakly as Ed marched him across the restaurant. “I can just dry it off in the restroom, it’s fine—”

“Anyone ever tell you that you talk too much?” Ed interrupted, tightening his grip on Roy’s hand and flashing that sharp-toothed smile over his shoulder. “Relax. I’m your server for tonight; let me serve you.” Roy shivered involuntarily as those words shot down his spine and straight to the building heat in his stomach. Oh, no.

Ed turned sideways to look at Roy from under his thick lashes, pushing his — incredible, sculpted, perky — ass against a door labeled “Employees Only.” As the door began to open behind him, he winked and brought his free hand to his mouth in the universal  _ shh _ gesture.  _ Oh _ , no. 

“I just need a damp cloth to wipe this down with and I’ll be out of your hair,” Roy said weakly as the door swung shut behind him. His eyes darted around the room nervously, taking in the boxes labeled with things like  _ Napkins _ and  _ To-go Bags _ and  _ Straws _ , wrapped prepped food that was completely indiscernible under its plastic coverings— His frantic cataloging of all of the room’s decor was interrupted by a pair of fiery golden eyes and a fierce smirk as Ed grabbed him by the lapels of his blazer and pulled him forward and into the room. Roy followed his direction helplessly.

“Just relax,” Ed reminded him. “I promise to take good care of you, okay? Just—” he pushed Roy down by the shoulders until his knees gave out on him and he plopped down unceremoniously on an upturned crate, “-- relax.”

“You really don’t have to do this,” Roy said feebly in one final attempt to dissuade Ed.  _ But I want you to _ , his traitorous brain begged. 

“Oh, but I really do, birthday boy,” Ed purred as he sunk to his knees between Roy’s thighs. “Can’t have you leaving our fine establishment unsatisfied.” His hands, one warm and golden, the other cold and silver, slid slowly up Roy’s thighs as he leaned forward until his sweet breath was ghosting across Roy’s lips with every feverish exhale. “It would be my pleasure.”

“Isn’t that a Chick-fil-a reference?” Roy breathed. Ed’s thumbs were now rubbing small circles on his inner thighs.

“Maybe? I told you, I don’t technically work here,” Ed reminded him, voice low, ducking his head lower and arching his back.. 

“I take it you don’t work at Chick-fil-a, then,” Roy babbled helplessly. Ed’s nose nudged the loose fabric of his button-up shirt below his navel.

“Talkin’ too much,” Ed reminded him in a sing-song voice. Roy opened his mouth to stupidly say something else, but what came out was a choked gasp as Ed licked a hard stripe against the front seam of his pants from low to high. One of Roy’s hands involuntarily came up to grip Ed’s shoulder; to push him away or pull him closer, he couldn’t say.

“I think a towel might be more effective,” Roy choked out, knuckles whitening on Ed’s shoulder as Ed pressed the flat of his tongue harder against Roy’s hardening length and worked his hands higher to grip Roy’s hips. 

“I don’t think either of us would enjoy a towel as much,” Ed mouthed into Roy’s lap. Roy choked back a moan; his hand jerked up into Ed’s ponytail, pulling firmly and releasing an answering moan from the blond’s throat. The sound was muffled by the moist fabric of Roy’s trousers.

“I’m inclined to agree with you there,” Roy panted.

“Less talking,” Ed reminded him breathlessly.

“Sorry.”

Ed worked his mouth around the outline of Roy’s cock, dexterous left hand moving down under his chin to press at Roy’s balls. Roy whimpered and failed to restrain himself from thrusting upwards into the warm press of Ed’s lips and tongue.

“Want me to take these off?” Ed whispered, pulling sharply on the side of Roy’s slacks with his free right hand. Roy groaned but shook his head weakly.

“Give me your number and I’ll let you take them off sometime when you’re off work,” Roy forced out. He mentally congratulated himself for not stammering, but then cursed when Ed’s ministrations paused and the pressure on his lap eased off. Ed slowly raised his head to look Roy in the eyes, and his eyebrows were slanted upwards in a caricature of grief that didn’t match the way his lips were clearly fighting a smile.

“You’d really make both of us go back out there in this state?” Ed whispered, rolling his hips against Roy’s shin and drawing a harsh groan from the older man. “Besides,” he continued mischievously, “I don’t technically work here.”

“You drive a hard bargain,” Roy agreed, frantically reaching for his belt buckle to grant Ed access. The blond’s grin sharpened and he dove back in.

***

“Everything okay, chief?” Jean asked as Roy slid smoothly back into his seat at the booth.

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, fine,” Roy responded, fighting a smug smirk and completely failing.

“You were gone an awfully long time,” Maes commented, eying Roy’s messy — messier than the artful way that he normally had it styled, at any rate — hair, hastily tucked shirttails, and the darkening patch on his neck that was barely concealed by the collar of his shirt.

“Ed helped me get cleaned up,” Roy offered with a shrug. “Long Island Iced Tea is sticky, there’s no way I was going to get clean with just some paper towels in the bathroom.”

“Please tell me he used his mouth,” Jean muttered under his breath.

“He got me a rag, of course,” Roy lied smoothly. He paused, then added, “He’ll probably use his mouth later, when he texts me after he gets off work.” He brandished a scrap of paper with a phone number hastily scrawled across it. The overlapping voices of Maes and Jean were sharply cut off as Ed smoothly stepped up to their table.

“Sorry for the wait, gentlemen,” Ed said, voice low and husky. His tiny uniform did nothing to hide the fading outline of Roy’s hands on his biceps and thighs. “We had a small emergency in the back. What can I get started for you?”

Maybe birthdays weren’t so bad after all.


End file.
